I hate being passive agressive sometimes.
Dec. 7th, 2009 03:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hellzabethArgh, bad morning. Lessons were fine, just general atmosphere and I think I annoyed some people without intending to and they annoyed me back so I'm kind of insulted and feeling like an idiot and rambling- *GAAAASP FOR AIR* so... yeah.
Forgive me, I feel a bit of rambling self reflection coming on.
Is it really such a bad thing to not want to move forward or backwards in life? I wonder if this is something to do with my lack of motivation for anything I can't see happening in the near future? I'm not good with long-term planning, I need things to be happening in the now or I just don't tend to do them...
At the risk of sounding melodramatic, what's the point? You get all sorts of philosophical stuff about living in the moment to achieve happiness. But the second you try it, things just seem to go wrong. Like going to see a movie in the heat of the moment because your family want to see it and you want to make them happy, but you regret it later.
New Moon honestly didn't suck that badly. The fight choreography was by far superior and they upped the graphics. If the plotline hadn't been doomed from the start then it would have been decent. Guilty pleasures, what's up with those? Why should anyone have to feel guilty about something they enjoyed? That's not the way it works.
Ah, I sound so self righteous.
If I had any sort of backbone, I'd say this kind of thing out loud, rather than using vague, rambling terms and a journal entry. But saying stuff that's on my mind rarely turns out well, in my experience. Better to just shut my trap and let everyone get on with it. I can take being pushed around. I know I should draw the line when other people start slagging off those I care about, like my family (I know she's annoying, I know I say it, but there's a line in the sand, okay? She's my family, and through some twisted hypocritical law that means only I get to call her a whiny, spoilt brat. Because I don't mean it. Not really.) or my friends, or heck even the things that I like. But I don't. I say quiet, or just complain when I'm alone, or behind their backs like the deceitful bitch I am. And nothing happens, nothing changes, and I make do with that.
Oh boo hoo, nobody cares about your sob story, Pidge, move on.
Then again, I said I didn't want any change. And it's true. I find no particular desire to move away from my comfortable home with my family whom I get on with, and if I could take them, my house and my life with me wherever I went it would be fab.
Can't though. And while I don't feel any apprehension about moving out, to University or abroad, I don't have any active need to either.
Wtf Pidge why can't you be a normal teen that wants out of her house.
I shouldn't get so offended about the little things, going back to my crappy morning for the moment. I shouldn't be offended that my offering to do something for a friend that I thought they'd really like got little to no reaction, just a vague smile. I shouldn't be offended that nobody's taking my feelings into account when I haven't been expressing them in the first place and they rightfully have no clue. I shouldn't get offended when people take out all their hormonal rage and anger on me, because I practically offer myself up for it, and don't say a word anyway.
Apart from here.
And bring out those violins, there's the sob story again. Suck it up girl, stiff upper lip.
tl;dr, I'm a whiner and need to stfu.
*goes off to bug Xae in chatroom, feeling a little lonely*
Forgive me, I feel a bit of rambling self reflection coming on.
Is it really such a bad thing to not want to move forward or backwards in life? I wonder if this is something to do with my lack of motivation for anything I can't see happening in the near future? I'm not good with long-term planning, I need things to be happening in the now or I just don't tend to do them...
At the risk of sounding melodramatic, what's the point? You get all sorts of philosophical stuff about living in the moment to achieve happiness. But the second you try it, things just seem to go wrong. Like going to see a movie in the heat of the moment because your family want to see it and you want to make them happy, but you regret it later.
Ah, I sound so self righteous.
If I had any sort of backbone, I'd say this kind of thing out loud, rather than using vague, rambling terms and a journal entry. But saying stuff that's on my mind rarely turns out well, in my experience. Better to just shut my trap and let everyone get on with it. I can take being pushed around. I know I should draw the line when other people start slagging off those I care about, like my family (I know she's annoying, I know I say it, but there's a line in the sand, okay? She's my family, and through some twisted hypocritical law that means only I get to call her a whiny, spoilt brat. Because I don't mean it. Not really.) or my friends, or heck even the things that I like. But I don't. I say quiet, or just complain when I'm alone, or behind their backs like the deceitful bitch I am. And nothing happens, nothing changes, and I make do with that.
Oh boo hoo, nobody cares about your sob story, Pidge, move on.
Then again, I said I didn't want any change. And it's true. I find no particular desire to move away from my comfortable home with my family whom I get on with, and if I could take them, my house and my life with me wherever I went it would be fab.
Can't though. And while I don't feel any apprehension about moving out, to University or abroad, I don't have any active need to either.
Wtf Pidge why can't you be a normal teen that wants out of her house.
I shouldn't get so offended about the little things, going back to my crappy morning for the moment. I shouldn't be offended that my offering to do something for a friend that I thought they'd really like got little to no reaction, just a vague smile. I shouldn't be offended that nobody's taking my feelings into account when I haven't been expressing them in the first place and they rightfully have no clue. I shouldn't get offended when people take out all their hormonal rage and anger on me, because I practically offer myself up for it, and don't say a word anyway.
Apart from here.
And bring out those violins, there's the sob story again. Suck it up girl, stiff upper lip.
tl;dr, I'm a whiner and need to stfu.
*goes off to bug Xae in chatroom, feeling a little lonely*
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no subject
Date: 2009-12-07 09:58 pm (UTC)I would first like to hug you senseless and feed you cake, then possibly talk your ear off to take your mind away from the whole thing (but seeing as the whole situation is most likely cause by something internal, talking your ear off could only work for so long; also, you might punch me some for yammering so long).
Then I would like to suggest you listen to Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen by Baz Lhurmann because it is amazing and because it helps with most issues, and because it says this: "Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t." I wholeheartedly agree. I know the song might cause you to start ranting about how that doesn't actually apply, and it's not realistic, and so on and so forth, trust me, I'm in pretty much the same situation with not having any idea where I'm going or why, but the song is pretty (as you might already know) so just listen to it.
The tl;dr parts which I won't address sound excruciatingly familiar (in spirit if not in word), it all makes sense, so at the very least don't feel like you're not entitled to moan about them - some vague form of catharsis is the least you can get, yes?
That said, here are MAJOR HUGS coming your way, and if you'd like me to talk your ear off (or if you'd like to talk my ear off instead), I'm all yours :)